I’m back…

And have dreaded writing this post for MONTHS. To recap the 2nd half of 2016 will be incredibly tough, but incredibly sweet and needed.

To start:

We’re having a baby!! The 1st trimester was initially what kept me from blogging because, well it turns out morning sickness is really not partial to just mornings. But we could not be more excited to start this next chapter of life, and we have prayed for this very moment :). This picture was taken on September 13, 2016. I was 14 weeks pregnant.

September 19, 2016:

My Daddy and best friend went to be with Jesus. And my heart broke into one billion tiny pieces.  I miss this man and this laugh so incredibly much, but I thank God every day for allowing me to be his daughter. He was an amazing father, and I’m insanely blessed to have spent 28 years learning, growing, and feeling the love he showered over me. I pray I’m one single ounce the parent he was to me.

And I’m sad. So incredibly sad that my baby will not know their “Poppy” (that’s what he wanted to be called). This would have been his 1st grandchild, and he was SO excited. We told him when I was 6 weeks pregnant, and I’m thankful he got to feel that joy and excitement for those 9 weeks. Each week, we would talk and text about the different fruit size the baby grew. When we arrived at the peach stage, the nickname stuck. This baby was his “peach”. His baby-gender guess was always a girl, from the day he found out (maybe because I was his first child). He got to find out in Heaven that he was, in fact, right (more on that below).

And I’m pissed. Pissed that he only got 49 years here on this Earth. Pissed that he never gets to meet his grandchild. Pissed that he left us here. Pissed to watch the visible pain left behind in my mom and brothers. Pissed that I shut everyone out and hide the pain I have myself. Pissed I never get to have another conversation with him. Pissed I don’t get to hear “smeag” when he answers my phone call. Pissed I don’t get to eat his delicious food anymore. Pissed I can’t have one more hug, kiss, and I love you. And I’m pissed that I’m pissed. I know it’s selfish.

And I’m thankful. Thankful for the perfect amount of time God gave him to be here with us. Thankful that even though I’m sad and I’m pissed, that I have a God who is bigger than it all. Thankful that I get to share with my child how great their Poppy was, and how lucky we are to have him watching over us. I’m thankful that goodbye isn’t really goodbye. Thankful that as I struggle to put together an Earthly life without him, I have a Heavenly life to look forward to with him. Mostly, I’m so thankful for the life he now has in Heaven. And I’m thankful for a relationship with God that has become so much deeper now. All thanks to a Heavenly Father who is walking every step of grief with me.

Dad, I see you every day in the small things of life. I’m reminded of you every corner I round. And that’s enough; I’ll be okay. I’ll see you again. Until then, I miss you and I love you.

September 27, 2016:

IT’S A GIRL!! Thank you Jesus for this sweet light of sunshine in our life! It’s amazing to feel this much happiness. All in His perfect timing. We cannot wait to meet the sweetest miracle, Vivienne Blair Adams.

Our journey is just beginning…